sometimes, you just give up. and it's not for lack of trying, or wanting to continue on with the fight. sometimes giving up is just that... easy. it's easy to hang your head, wave your white flag of surrender, and retreat into yourself.

you ignore the texts, the calls, the messages on any platform, because it's easy. simply swipe them away, and you never know you had the notification in the first place. you can curl back around yourself, deeper into your pity, deeper into your sadness, and you can sink.

but life, it isn't easy, or it's not supposed to be, right? the trials and tribulations that we face, they're supposed to make the life we live - worth it in the end. people will tell you that they'll help you grow, that they'll help shape you into a person that others will look up to.

and it can be true, for most it is. but in those moments, do you want to believe that? do you want to believe that suffering, sadness, lonliness; will define us when we're happy, thriving, and surrounded by company? fuck no. at least for me that was, is.

i like to pride myself on being an open person, but i'm not. for everything i am open about, there's something there that i push below the surface and keep hidden for myself. self-care is always something i will advocate for, will always support, and speak up about.

but can i advocate it when i'm a hypocrite? no. i push everything i fear, feel, and dislike about myself into a box. it's dented, dirty, ripped in some areas, but that's, mine. in all forms it's me. for so long, i've tried to remain happy. smiling. put together.

i swallow my pride, and i say sorry when i feel like i shouldn't. why? because that's the people pleaser in me. null and void my own feelings so that others feel better. better to have those around you happy, than yourself right? wrong.

you make mistakes, we all do - but when someone can't let those mistakes go, what do you do? you punish yourself. let yourself take all the blame, while they sit there looking pretty with their crown of perfect above their heads, and let you feel like shit about yourself.

but it's okay, i'll pack it up in my box, keep it safe, and talk on it when i'm alone. sometimes, you need to be alone, i've come to realize. you need to allow yourself to feel the things you were ashamed of feeling. loss. anger. frustation. confusion. denial.

denial that someone thought you were good for them - and you weren't, won't ever be. denial that you didn't lash out in anger, or in fear. confused by the lack of communication in an otherwise healthy relationship. ashamed of feeling displaced and small when you're used to being in charge.

strength, isn't just muscles though, is it? it's heart. and spirit - and whatever the fuck else makes us, us. i guess giving up is a sign of strength to, right? giving up the will to fight for people to stay in our lives, giving up the control of "i am man, hear me roar", those can be healthy, can't they?

releasing those demons from that box, they can help you float. they can be the life preserve you didn't know you needed. they can wrap around you, and instead of sinking, you begin to swim. and you swim straight towards that light house that your innerself has built.

you swim against the currents, and against the elements. you swim, and you keep swimming. until you see the shore.